


Elminster Must Die

by TaraHarkon



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: F/M, Post-Canon, Reapers, Self-Indulgent
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-06-17
Updated: 2019-06-17
Packaged: 2020-05-13 20:01:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,044
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19258186
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TaraHarkon/pseuds/TaraHarkon
Summary: When Barry Bluejeans first received the letter signed 'Archmage Elminster Aumar of Waterdeep', he had been excited. He had thought he was going to get some good quality nerd time with another wizard. He wasn't expecting to spend his entire afternoon listening to Faerun's biggest fuckboy...





	Elminster Must Die

When Barry Bluejeans first received the letter signed 'Archmage Elminster Aumar of Waterdeep', he had been excited. He had thought he was going to get some good quality nerd time with another wizard. He wasn't expecting to spend his entire afternoon listening to Faerun's biggest fuckboy talking about how many times he'd banged the goddess of magic in each of her different incarnations or about how he clearly understood the plights of womankind because he'd been magically polymorphed into a girl for his teenage years. Barry had rubbed his temples, drank his tea, and did his absolute level best not to punch the man every time he opened his mouth. Magnus would have and for once Barry envied Magnus his ability to just punch someone in the face and somehow get away with it. So when his stone of farspeech beeped in the familiar cadence that meant Lup was calling, Barry had given Elminster a brisk farewell, vaguely mumbled something instead of agreeing to another lunch, and stepped out through a Reaper rift instead of going home any slower way. 

Lup was leaning on the counter, stone of farspeech in hand, and she blinked at Barry in confusion.

"Babe, I just needed you to pick up a loaf of bread. You didn't need to end your nerd date. I knew you were all excited about it."

Barry scrubbed at his face and then took a moment to resettle his glasses.

"I think I just ate lunch with... with... fuck, I don't even know. Imagine... imagine Greg Grimaldis with a PhD and _less_  social graces." He reached for the basket they took to market for shopping trips. "He... he mansplained the proper pronunciation of Eilistraee _to her_. Like..."

Lup cut him off, ears flared out in surprise.

"He told her she was pronouncing her name wrong? What the fuck? Who does this asshole think he is?"

Barry shrugged and reached for the red robe hanging by the door. There was a bit of a chill in the air now and if he was going to get the shopping done, he wanted to be warm while he did it. 

"The fucking savior of Faerun, I guess."

To his surprise, Lup reached for her own robe where it hung by his.

"Seems like somebody ought to knock him down a peg or twelve, babe. Because this plane's only got room for so many saviors and seven is really the max, you know?"

In the end, when they headed out the door, it was with their wands in hand and a copy of an entry from the Raven Queen's Book of Bounties tucked safely in Barry's pocket. The basket for the shopping was left on the table to be handled later. They had far more important matters to attend to.

* * *

Waterdeep was a large coastal city, populous and busy. The streets were cramped with people and guards stood at the city gates waving people in and looking them over with cautious eyes. Lup and Barry stayed close together, wands tucked away for now and scythes still waiting for them in the Astral Plane. They didn't want to cause a fuss. At least... not until they got to Elminster's tower. Otherwise, there was a chance that the archmage might get wind of what was going down and get out of the city before they could corner him. The tower itself stood over the city and Lup shaded her eyes, looking up towards it.

"So, you think this asshole is still waiting up there or are we going hunting, babe?"

Barry followed her gaze up towards the spiraling tower and the sunset behind it. 

"Either way, we should start there. I'm pretty sure that's uh... that he lives there." He shielded his eyes as well, trying to get a better look. "He's probably got some... some defenses we're going to need to worry about. Plus he had guards from the Harpers."

Lup nodded slowly and tugged on one ear. There were a lot of things they were going to need to be aware of. But after a hundred years, there wasn't much she was really afraid of. Lup reached for his hand and gave it a gentle squeeze. Barry grinned slowly, turning towards her.

"Come on, babe. Let's go pay the Archmage a visit."

* * *

A few minutes later, the two of them stood at the front door of the highest tower in the city of Waterdeep. There were no guards, no one on the street paying any mind to the pair of wizards in their red robes standing in front of the door. Lup slowly turned to look at Barry and then nodded just slightly. It was go time. Her hand closed around the doorknob and she turned it, pushing the door open. To their surprise, it went without resistance. That only put them both more on their guard and Barry slowly drew his bone wand from its holster as they walked into the room. 

The moment they were both in the room, it blazed with light. Barry reflexively cast a shield in front of them but as the bright lights cleared, they realized an image was playing in the center of the room. It bore the seeming of the Archmage Elminster and that was enough to keep Barry and Lup on edge as they watched him pace.

"I knew, of course, that you intended to betray me, Bluejeans. I had foreknowledge when I invited you to take lunch with me that our meeting would lead to this moment. I assume, of course, that this was the path chosen for you by your wife and should you see reason-"

Barry cut the illusion off with a counter-spell and Lup sighed.

"Awwww, babe, I was enjoying watching him did himself into a hole. I was kinda hoping he'd tell us where he's hiding."

Barry shook his head. 

"He wasn't going to give us anything useful and we both know it. But he is a lich, we can always just track him that way."

Almost as though on cue, a second illusion snapped into place in the center of the room in the shape of Archmage Elminster.

"As I was saying before you so rudely dispelled my seeming, I assume you did not choose this path of your own accord and should you see reason, I will gladly meet with you again. Should you prove obdurate then I am afraid we shall come to blows as I have no intention to be defeated easily." The illusion bowed dramatically towards the doorway where Barry and Lup still stood and then smiled. "And if I have timed this correctly, the defenses should be engaging right about... now."

Barry and Lup exchanged a nervous look and Barry threw another boost of strength into the shield in front of them right before a series of runes around the room activated. A volley of magic missiles slammed into the shield, the floor, and the walls around them. Lup took a step closer to Barry, throwing an arm up to cover her face as stones shattered around them. When the dust cleared, though, they were both uninjured and the room was destroyed. Barry let the shield drop and turned to make sure Lup was alright, relief flooding his system when she grinned at him.

"What kind of idiot nukes his own house from orbit and forgets shield spells exist? I thought this guy was supposed to be an archmage or some shit."

Barry snorted a laugh and then turned towards the patio opening.

"That's what I thought too. Come on, babe. Let's go see if we can't track his undead ass."

Lup took a running leap off the patio and pointed her wand down, casting a feather fall. Barry followed after her, his own wand out. Two city guard came running, swords drawn but expressions nervous.

"H-halt! Did... did you...?"

The younger man in the front looked between them and the smoking wreckage of the tower above them. Lup followed the man's gaze and then sighed dramatically.

"Okay, so here's the sitch, my guy. We dropped by to say hi and the archmage had some wards that went off. Any questions?"

The guards exchanged another look and then shrugged. Who were they to argue with two of the saviors of the multiverse? Even if it looked like they had just blown up the home of the Archmage of Waterdeep. 

"None, ma'am."

Barry ran his fingers through his hair, brushing plaster dust out of his curls. Then he looked at Lup.

"Alright, so we definitely lost him there. What's the plan from here, babe?"

Lup sighed and brushed some of the dust off the front of her robe. Then she neatened her ponytail.

"We talk to Bird Mom, Bear. Bet she'll have some ideas. This _is_  an official Raven Queen approved-bounty after all."

He nodded as well, reaching into the air for his scythe. Lup reached for her own and they both slashed portals in the air, headed to the Astral Plane. 

* * *

The throne hall of the Raven Queen was constructed all of black stone, reflecting the dim twilight that characterized the state of the Astral Plane. She sat on her ebon throne, bone pale mask pulled down to conceal her features as she watched her Reapers walk towards her with their red robes billowing behind them. They knelt in near unison, Barry a half-beat behind Lup.

"My Queen," Lup's voice was as confident as ever, carrying in the room. "We're here about a bounty that's proved... difficult to track."

Barry raised his head, the twilight sky sending red light flashing across his glasses for a moment.

"The Arch-Mage Elminster, My Queen."

The Raven Queen slowly sat up straighter, her very posture exuding an aura of fury. And then she inclined her head.

"I know just the hunter to aid you in tracking him." She pushed herself off her throne, striding between them as she walked towards the great doors at the end of her hall. "Come, we must speak with an agent of the Dark Seldarine."

Lup's eyes widened with recognition and she stood, turning in a fluid motion to follow the Raven Queen. Confusion was plain on Barry's face as he rose to follow.

"The... the _Dark_  Seldarine?"

Lup nodded, briefing brushing her fingers against his hand.

"They were cast out of Arvandor for their betrayal in the Dawn War. At least, that's what I learned growing up."

The Raven Queen solemnly inclined her head.

"That is correct, my daughter, in so far as it applies to the Queen of the Demonweb Pits and her son. However, her daughter is the one we seek. She, I am certain, will gladly track Elminster to his end for his slights against her."

Lup's ears flicked up and then she grinned.

"Oh hell yeah, I always wanted to meet the Dark Dancer."

The Raven Queen's smile was subtle, under her mask as it was, and then she raised a hand and tore a rift in space much as her Reapers could. On the other side of the portal was a cozy looking cottage room with a darkened sky above it that seemed to shine with stars. Quickly though, Barry and Lup realized they were seeing stone glittering far above in a high vaulted ceiling of rock. Beside the cottage stood a pair of archery targets and a wooden bench. Seated on the bench was a Drow woman. Her head was down and she was focused on binding arrowheads to shafts. She glanced up at the portal opened and set aside a finished arrow.

"Raven Queen, what brings you to my domain? And with your Reapers, no less?"

The Raven Queen inclined her head slowly.

"Greetings, Eilistraee. My Reapers are on a hunt and I thought you would enjoy assisting them in tracking their quarry."

The young goddess stood slowly, curiosity alive on her face. She turned, meeting Lup's gaze with her own silver eyes.

"And what is the name of the prey you hunt?"

Lup gave her a wolf's grin in return and bowed.

"Elminster Aumar, Dark Dancer."

Eilistraee returned that predatory grin and reached for her bow and quiver.

"Gladly. There is nothing I would rather do, in fact."

 


End file.
